The exceptional liar

Sometimes, I don't wanna lie anymore. I keep putting up this image of me that I expect people to believe and well, for my whole life, people believed me. No, they're not stupid or anything just that I'm quite an exceptional liar. My tricks and lies date back to well, the moment I got in touch with the outside world; the moment I met other people besides my family. My life is tied by so many people and things that I barely have control over my own self.

I shall stop here. Before I launch into a long rant about unfairness and such.



Goodbye. For now.

I can't see you anymore

I still keep waiting around

Although I don't say it but 

I hate waiting

Checking back to see if you're there

Or somewhere else

But before I loose myself

I have to keep myself chained

So that I would not suffocate you with my existence 

Maybe it's time to let the strings go

Turn away and don't look back

I don't know about most people but I know that I've yet to have a set goal in life. Friends around me have some sort of goal or dream to fulfill and they are actually doing things to get there…whereas me, I'm just loafing around and wasting my time and parents money doing nonsense without a goal in mind. Why am I so useless and lazy? I hate me. I want to stay committed to something that I have interest in but I have no such attention span. Seriously, talk about commitment issues.

I got a whiff somewhere that artist on DA who does commissions earn about US$1500 a month for 10-15 commissions. Maybe I can refine my drawing/colouring skills to that standard and earn dough by doing something that I like.

I really don't know what I'm doing with my life. Worse come to worse I can always find some boring desk job but still earn lots of cash for me to feed my hobbies.

I can't think myself as a scriptwriter. I'm getting sick of it. Help…somebody, anybody. The only thing that I don't mind now in this course is the video elements of it. The rest makes me wanna bang my head against the wall and die.





Turn back the clock and let that lorry, which I dodged, hit me and may I die a fast and painless death.



Suicidal tendencies.

Greater happiness

Usually when things go wrong a normal person would try and cover their asses. Not for me though. I'd take the blame.

That day in class we were ask to write a principle that we stand by and I wrote: Treat others the way you want them to treat you. I would give up my happiness for the sake of others and hopefully in turn they would do the same.

And when my lecturer flashed it on the screen (names canceled out for anonymity) he laughed. And quite a few others laughed like it is impossible or a joke of some sort. At that moment, I felt stupid, angry…a miasma of feelings surged though me. I really do try and make people happy even if I'm unhappy inside. I don't want people to hate me or have any negative feelings about me. I just want them to feel comfy around me and not have their guards up whenever I'm there. I'd rather be the unhappy one than let others be unhappy. I find myself stupid, giving people what they want at the cost of my very own feelings. But I can't start afresh anymore. I might be bi-polar but I certainly do not want the whole world to know about it. A lot of people put their friends and family before everything, well that's okay. Or even better putting themselves before everything.

Well, I don't. I put everyone (regardless of the relationship that we share) before me. And if you ask me to save two people (one of which has some sort of relation to me and the other a total stranger) who are drowning or in some dire state that may cause death, I would save the one with a higher possibility of survival or the one who is nearest to me first but I would save both even if it costs me an arm or a leg.

Stop judging and pointing out to me what's impossible and what's not. I know my own limits so much better than you do.






Even if I know it's impossible, I can still hang on to that spark of hope that it is possible.



And in turn for making people happy, I no longer retain my individuality because I agree to do stuff that others are happy with…but not me.

I want to stay classy but…FUCK THIS

I'm screwed for the written CAs. Totally. Fuck philosophy essay. Fuck CP, whatever the hell it stands for. Gah. I just want to shoot and edit videos! I shall not lie anymore. Next time they ask what I want to be I'll tell them. I want to be a director/editor. Fuck scripts and all. I'll be better off opening some shop selling stuff toys than writing scripts to my next meal.




And now you send CA2 to fuck with me all over again.



I. Hate. My. Life.

I admire your strength; strength that I can never have

Everyone around me is stronger than I am, much smarter than I am, everything better than this pathetic excuse of a human being I am. Sometimes, I can't catch up with them and I fear that I'd become a burden to them, a dead weight dragging people down to the depths of hell. I'm a loner at heart. I don't mind being alone, I do not crave for social contact…but when I receive even a tiny flicker of it, I begin to long for it. A drug that you want to wash away from the blood in your veins. I do not put myself high up on an imaginary pedestal, thinking that I'm much better than people out there. Instead, I let myself live at the lowest level possible, wanting noting much from this life. I gave up on expectations a long time ago. Sometimes, I do get surprised but these surprises are just instances that would never happen again. I still fear judgement and labels. I fear the memories of people. 

I'm not worthy of the more than half the friends that I have. 

Or any at all. 

I'm a ninja

I know I'm supposed to be slogging for philosophy right now but I really really don't want to think about penal code 377A or sodomy anymore. So, I went on tumblr posted a few stuff and finally landed on facebook. Surprise! While lurking I caught sight of my former teacher's post blah blah and I went to catch up on her blog. So scanning through and after like 2359842735 links I got to a post which was of her celebrating with my class of 2E1 (it's not even the whole class, a selective few, if you know what I mean) before she resigned from her job as a secondary school teacher. Nope, I'm not upset at the fact that I'm not there or anything for the matter; I'd be totally out of place. But one thing that caught my eye was the present that they got for her was a puzzle piece picture of my whole class...the whole class except me. Yeah, they just had to use that particular picture that doesn't include me. And it's not the first time things like this happened. Its like I'm meant to be forgotten. Seriously! I know I don't attend most events but at least find a picture that has the whole entire class down to the elusive me.



Oh I don't have to learn the art of being a ninja, I'm a born natural.







I'm just like Mia Thermopolis from Princess Diaries without the princess part. At least I don't suck at algebra.

Unwanted

I rarely talk about boys or relationship topics much. Maybe I'm just trying to avoid such questions. I really don't know. When friends around me turn to me for a shoulder to cry on or just watching them complain about being chased/wooed/teased I feel a little, if not, totally unwanted. I've never got a confession from anyone. Not one or half for that matter and it makes me feel sad. I've been told by a couple of people — besides my mum and dad — that I'm pretty and I'll remember their faces for life. But it's only a couple. Nothing much to boast about. And countless of people mistaking me for a foreigner, namely Indonesian or Philippine. Sheesh. I'd like to think that equals to an average looking girl with low self-esteem. Well, I kinda noticed a trend, that is most of them are skinny/slim, which I'm totally not. Despite how they look as long as you're thin you'll have a boyfriend. You might be ah-lian-ish and still get one. Gah. I really do hope that God planned out something good for me. You can't take away teenage romance from a girl and not ever give her any in life. I'm turning 20 soon. Living for almost two decades without knowing the touch of a lover or such.

Self-pity.



Maybe I intimidate people.

I'm childish yet mature

I was blog walking among my classmates blogs and I came across a line that made me think. Something along the lines of, maturity is what a person experiences not the number of birthdays passed. I know almost everyone thinks that I've a mind of a rather young and child-like girl and I liked to think that I actually never grew up. But then again there was so much emotional growth and love and hate that maybe, just maybe I'm just trying to shield my heart from further heartache with a facade. I realised that not many kids my age went through the kind of childhood I did. I had no sibling that I could talk to and share my sorrows with, even when my sister came around; she's just a mere baby then but a bundle of joy anyway. She definitely did not take the path that I did. Thankfully. I loved my childhood but at the same time, I hate it. So much drama. I thought secondary school would be riddled with intense drama but it's just mundane like now. I'm now stuck in yet another constricted box that I can't seem to escape from. I cry myself to sleep sometimes, thinking about things that I regret doing or not doing, things that I could have done better. Over-thinking, another fatal weakness of mine.

Maybe next time, I'll face people I've yet to meet with my mature side. And I hope they are strong enough to take it.




I run from reality because I know I'll always be within its grasp.

Crazy hermits

People wonder why the crazy are crazy and why some people are hermits. I've always thought that crazy people are born crazy and hermits have no life. But I've come to realise that it people are what they are because of the people around them. Not all crazies are born crazy, not all hermits want to be hermits.

Crazies were driven crazy. Hermits were forced by the pressure of the people around them. There's just so much that a human being can take from the world. Some have more tolerance than others. Some just don't want to face it anymore.

People are scary. They scare me. They judge. They do everything imaginable and unpredictable.

Crazies are vulnerable. Hermits want to shield themselves from this mad world. And me?






I'm both.

I dream the reality

Sometimes in my dreams, I dream about things that I've yet to do. Like a déjà vu "flashforward".


Its pretty weird yet cool at the same time. And when the time comes where I'm doing what I've dreamed off, I remember that I've somehow done it before.

The dreaded question

I never knew what I wanted to be. Even up till now, I have this doubt that I'll ever amount to anything in the future. I don't mind writing scripts if they find my work bearable but I really can't picture myself in that business for my whole entire life. What I really want is to be a storyboard-ist or someone who edits films or even a director. Writing is fine, writing is good but I want this more. What should I do…I can't lie forever. Not to everyone, not to myself. I hate it.

Someone help me.

Where is this going

I really thought I love writing and oh boy was I wrong. I like writing yes but I never thought that I would find anything better than writing. Oh if my classmates were to see this now they would think that I'm not passionate about writing and I shouldn't be there with them, writing and creating worlds of our own. I've always loved the visuals. Be it graphics or videos. Maybe its just another phase which I'll get over pretty soon but what if writing was just a phase? Then am I cheating myself trying to convince myself that I, Kar Men love writing more than anything else in the world? My introductions have always been hey, I'm Kar Men and I love writing how about you?

Only I would know whether the above statement is true or false.
At that moment, I didn't think because that's what people wanted me to be, the writer. And besides I'm in a writing course, shouldn't I be great at writing and all that? But, I came across situations that made me question myself, what if, what if…I really made the wrong decision. It's hard to think that only after a year in this course I've started to doubt myself, and my beliefs.

Facebook show-offs

A show-off is a person who likes boasting about him/herself, whether its oh-hear-how-well-I-can-sing or oh-hey-I-take-lots-of-pics-of-myself-cuz-I'm-pretty-and-I-want-the-whole-world-to-know-about-it.

Either way facebook has became a platform where people go hang out with real friends that you probably see and hear from everyday. Like Geakie said facebook is for the popular and social butterflies. Well, sad to say that I'm no social butterfly and I'm content with forever-alone or random people from the net (as long as they are nice and have no bad intentions). Unlike people who have 1000+ pictures on facebook, mine are all tagged by others and I really don't like it. Sometimes, I have the urge to just delete my facebook account because of that. Whenever I take pictures for an occasion it's usually for my own keepsake and not for the whole world to know about what I did last summer or something.

Oh! I got carried away! Back to show-offs. It's not because I'm jealous that they can cam whore and sketch like a kindergardener or something but there are sites where you can show case your talents and that site is NOT facebook. Seriously. Even celebs don't use facebook often. 

I'm cool. I use twitter and tumblr. You can't beat that now. I really want to delete my facebook BUT I'm lazy to think of a reason, explaining to people why I did that. Cuz surely there will be curious friends and such and I'll have to keep explaining again and again and again 'til the end of time.

Have I said this? A pairing that I ship came true! Keenan x Donia FTW!

There's just one thing

Oh I think you're really mean. I think you're really mean. 

Yes, back in Singapore and back into this restraining life. Once again let me rant about the selfishness of my mum. I admit that I don't spend enough time with my family and when you ask me to wake up in the wee hours of the morning just to attend prayers I groan and roll about in bed and not go. 

But still it makes no sense that I'm not allowed to accompany a close friend of mine to school in the morning because of your selfish thoughts. Oh yes, you're very VERY selfish. Tell me about genes. I got that from you, don't blame me for that. Selfish love much? It's that kind of situation where oh, I don't get this so no one can. I get that A LOT. But sometimes people should not be so uptight about stuff and the people around you would feel really relaxed and calm around you. Ferserious. Chillax. This is the 21st century for heaven sake.

Back and raving

I like to think that there are several sides to me. A fun and bubbly Kar Men, a serious and no-nonsense Kar Men, a lonely and over-emotional Kar Men and there's of course bitchy, shitty Kar Men. But I'm overall a nice person. 

This trip to Shanghai, I thought I would be more open and make friends in a flash, slapping the backs of people my age. Gah. Yes, I kinda made friends with two but it was only on the last day where they started to talk to me. Strangers whom I've not met before tend to avoid me like the plague. Even though I have no terminal disease or such AND I'm a very fun person to be around with. 

I talked to them and guess what. They thought me a foreigner (not Singaporean) and worse still, this other girl who is a year older than me or same age (not very sure) told them that I look like a domestic maid for my family. That bitch. Seriously, you want to talk shit about me? Say it to my face, don't go talking behind my back and pretend to be nice. And her name is Bernice. Note that the words BE NICE is in there. Such a bitch really. And I think that her face is really old not like that of a youthful 18 year old. Really. She looked like a teacher I had in secondary school except shittier. And oh, she wears thin sweaters that won't keep one warm in degrees 4-8 and she tells the others that she's not cold when I see her body shiver when we have toilet breaks all the time. Sucker. 

Lucky her family left a day earlier or I would have slapped that bitch and kicked her ass. 

I feel the drop

I used to swallow book after book during the holidays but as for now, I've become lazy and my reading speed is that of a crawling snail. I would like to pick back the speed of leaping llama and drown myself in a world of fantasy. Just a day ago — or two, my memory is failing me — I read this really great science fiction manga and that got me into science fiction. I've never actually tried reading sci-fi unless its from an author that I've read books of, like Eoin Colfer — The Supernaturalist is a fantastic book, seriously now go get it. Maybe its time to get out of my comfort zone of faeries, magic and all that shit and thread onto a foreign territory: Sci-fi!

Yes! I shall start my new adventure! As soon as I have money to spend anyway. I'm currently dead broke. Maybe I can use the money for the trip and spend some at the bookstore for a good sci-fi book. Hehe.

Not reading and writing furiously have made me feel the crazy drop of standard in my English. Seriously, I feel disgusted with myself. Why did I allow this to happen? Because of my laziness duh! Shoo lazy bug, you make me English no good! Shoo! Begone!

Must read more and write more.

New facade

Don't be tricked by the girly layout because this blog is certainly not girly at all. I like girly stuff, pink fluff and all that shit but sometimes people are not what they seem to be.

My main blog became a blog that I can never pour myself in and my secondary blog may cause certain people to worry about me. Part of me fears judgement and pity but another part just want to keep things personal. I've got so many friends that are open and there for me but somehow, I still cannot completely let this wall that I've put up for years now fall down so easily. I can never let it down, knowing that the monster inside of me is still alive and kicking. There are times where it breaks out from inside, snapping at people who dare thread near. I hate not being able to control it. I hate hurting people that I love.

Trust is a double edge sword. Being too trusting can hurt but to not trust people might put your social life — or any life in particular — in jeopardy. Having too many instances where friends and family betrayed my trust, has scarred my nature to trust people completely. There are of course a select few people in this world who have earned my complete trust and I hope that they would never crush it. 

I do love blogging and talking emo shit, but only here — where I let my guard down and unleash whatever I've kept in for so long now.