Sometimes, I don't wanna lie anymore. I keep putting up this image of me that I expect people to believe and well, for my whole life, people believed me. No, they're not stupid or anything just that I'm quite an exceptional liar. My tricks and lies date back to well, the moment I got in touch with the outside world; the moment I met other people besides my family. My life is tied by so many people and things that I barely have control over my own self.
I shall stop here. Before I launch into a long rant about unfairness and such.
Goodbye. For now.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
I can't see you anymore
I still keep waiting around
Although I don't say it but
I hate waiting
Checking back to see if you're there
Or somewhere else
But before I loose myself
I have to keep myself chained
So that I would not suffocate you with my existence
Maybe it's time to let the strings go
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Turn away and don't look back
I don't know about most people but I know that I've yet to have a set goal in life. Friends around me have some sort of goal or dream to fulfill and they are actually doing things to get there…whereas me, I'm just loafing around and wasting my time and parents money doing nonsense without a goal in mind. Why am I so useless and lazy? I hate me. I want to stay committed to something that I have interest in but I have no such attention span. Seriously, talk about commitment issues.
I got a whiff somewhere that artist on DA who does commissions earn about US$1500 a month for 10-15 commissions. Maybe I can refine my drawing/colouring skills to that standard and earn dough by doing something that I like.
I really don't know what I'm doing with my life. Worse come to worse I can always find some boring desk job but still earn lots of cash for me to feed my hobbies.
I can't think myself as a scriptwriter. I'm getting sick of it. Help…somebody, anybody. The only thing that I don't mind now in this course is the video elements of it. The rest makes me wanna bang my head against the wall and die.
Turn back the clock and let that lorry, which I dodged, hit me and may I die a fast and painless death.
Suicidal tendencies.
I got a whiff somewhere that artist on DA who does commissions earn about US$1500 a month for 10-15 commissions. Maybe I can refine my drawing/colouring skills to that standard and earn dough by doing something that I like.
I really don't know what I'm doing with my life. Worse come to worse I can always find some boring desk job but still earn lots of cash for me to feed my hobbies.
I can't think myself as a scriptwriter. I'm getting sick of it. Help…somebody, anybody. The only thing that I don't mind now in this course is the video elements of it. The rest makes me wanna bang my head against the wall and die.
Turn back the clock and let that lorry, which I dodged, hit me and may I die a fast and painless death.
Suicidal tendencies.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Greater happiness
Usually when things go wrong a normal person would try and cover their asses. Not for me though. I'd take the blame.
That day in class we were ask to write a principle that we stand by and I wrote: Treat others the way you want them to treat you. I would give up my happiness for the sake of others and hopefully in turn they would do the same.
And when my lecturer flashed it on the screen (names canceled out for anonymity) he laughed. And quite a few others laughed like it is impossible or a joke of some sort. At that moment, I felt stupid, angry…a miasma of feelings surged though me. I really do try and make people happy even if I'm unhappy inside. I don't want people to hate me or have any negative feelings about me. I just want them to feel comfy around me and not have their guards up whenever I'm there. I'd rather be the unhappy one than let others be unhappy. I find myself stupid, giving people what they want at the cost of my very own feelings. But I can't start afresh anymore. I might be bi-polar but I certainly do not want the whole world to know about it. A lot of people put their friends and family before everything, well that's okay. Or even better putting themselves before everything.
Well, I don't. I put everyone (regardless of the relationship that we share) before me. And if you ask me to save two people (one of which has some sort of relation to me and the other a total stranger) who are drowning or in some dire state that may cause death, I would save the one with a higher possibility of survival or the one who is nearest to me first but I would save both even if it costs me an arm or a leg.
Stop judging and pointing out to me what's impossible and what's not. I know my own limits so much better than you do.
Even if I know it's impossible, I can still hang on to that spark of hope that it is possible.
And in turn for making people happy, I no longer retain my individuality because I agree to do stuff that others are happy with…but not me.
That day in class we were ask to write a principle that we stand by and I wrote: Treat others the way you want them to treat you. I would give up my happiness for the sake of others and hopefully in turn they would do the same.
And when my lecturer flashed it on the screen (names canceled out for anonymity) he laughed. And quite a few others laughed like it is impossible or a joke of some sort. At that moment, I felt stupid, angry…a miasma of feelings surged though me. I really do try and make people happy even if I'm unhappy inside. I don't want people to hate me or have any negative feelings about me. I just want them to feel comfy around me and not have their guards up whenever I'm there. I'd rather be the unhappy one than let others be unhappy. I find myself stupid, giving people what they want at the cost of my very own feelings. But I can't start afresh anymore. I might be bi-polar but I certainly do not want the whole world to know about it. A lot of people put their friends and family before everything, well that's okay. Or even better putting themselves before everything.
Well, I don't. I put everyone (regardless of the relationship that we share) before me. And if you ask me to save two people (one of which has some sort of relation to me and the other a total stranger) who are drowning or in some dire state that may cause death, I would save the one with a higher possibility of survival or the one who is nearest to me first but I would save both even if it costs me an arm or a leg.
Stop judging and pointing out to me what's impossible and what's not. I know my own limits so much better than you do.
Even if I know it's impossible, I can still hang on to that spark of hope that it is possible.
And in turn for making people happy, I no longer retain my individuality because I agree to do stuff that others are happy with…but not me.
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