I want to stay classy but…FUCK THIS

I'm screwed for the written CAs. Totally. Fuck philosophy essay. Fuck CP, whatever the hell it stands for. Gah. I just want to shoot and edit videos! I shall not lie anymore. Next time they ask what I want to be I'll tell them. I want to be a director/editor. Fuck scripts and all. I'll be better off opening some shop selling stuff toys than writing scripts to my next meal.




And now you send CA2 to fuck with me all over again.



I. Hate. My. Life.

I admire your strength; strength that I can never have

Everyone around me is stronger than I am, much smarter than I am, everything better than this pathetic excuse of a human being I am. Sometimes, I can't catch up with them and I fear that I'd become a burden to them, a dead weight dragging people down to the depths of hell. I'm a loner at heart. I don't mind being alone, I do not crave for social contact…but when I receive even a tiny flicker of it, I begin to long for it. A drug that you want to wash away from the blood in your veins. I do not put myself high up on an imaginary pedestal, thinking that I'm much better than people out there. Instead, I let myself live at the lowest level possible, wanting noting much from this life. I gave up on expectations a long time ago. Sometimes, I do get surprised but these surprises are just instances that would never happen again. I still fear judgement and labels. I fear the memories of people. 

I'm not worthy of the more than half the friends that I have. 

Or any at all. 

I'm a ninja

I know I'm supposed to be slogging for philosophy right now but I really really don't want to think about penal code 377A or sodomy anymore. So, I went on tumblr posted a few stuff and finally landed on facebook. Surprise! While lurking I caught sight of my former teacher's post blah blah and I went to catch up on her blog. So scanning through and after like 2359842735 links I got to a post which was of her celebrating with my class of 2E1 (it's not even the whole class, a selective few, if you know what I mean) before she resigned from her job as a secondary school teacher. Nope, I'm not upset at the fact that I'm not there or anything for the matter; I'd be totally out of place. But one thing that caught my eye was the present that they got for her was a puzzle piece picture of my whole class...the whole class except me. Yeah, they just had to use that particular picture that doesn't include me. And it's not the first time things like this happened. Its like I'm meant to be forgotten. Seriously! I know I don't attend most events but at least find a picture that has the whole entire class down to the elusive me.



Oh I don't have to learn the art of being a ninja, I'm a born natural.







I'm just like Mia Thermopolis from Princess Diaries without the princess part. At least I don't suck at algebra.

Unwanted

I rarely talk about boys or relationship topics much. Maybe I'm just trying to avoid such questions. I really don't know. When friends around me turn to me for a shoulder to cry on or just watching them complain about being chased/wooed/teased I feel a little, if not, totally unwanted. I've never got a confession from anyone. Not one or half for that matter and it makes me feel sad. I've been told by a couple of people — besides my mum and dad — that I'm pretty and I'll remember their faces for life. But it's only a couple. Nothing much to boast about. And countless of people mistaking me for a foreigner, namely Indonesian or Philippine. Sheesh. I'd like to think that equals to an average looking girl with low self-esteem. Well, I kinda noticed a trend, that is most of them are skinny/slim, which I'm totally not. Despite how they look as long as you're thin you'll have a boyfriend. You might be ah-lian-ish and still get one. Gah. I really do hope that God planned out something good for me. You can't take away teenage romance from a girl and not ever give her any in life. I'm turning 20 soon. Living for almost two decades without knowing the touch of a lover or such.

Self-pity.



Maybe I intimidate people.

I'm childish yet mature

I was blog walking among my classmates blogs and I came across a line that made me think. Something along the lines of, maturity is what a person experiences not the number of birthdays passed. I know almost everyone thinks that I've a mind of a rather young and child-like girl and I liked to think that I actually never grew up. But then again there was so much emotional growth and love and hate that maybe, just maybe I'm just trying to shield my heart from further heartache with a facade. I realised that not many kids my age went through the kind of childhood I did. I had no sibling that I could talk to and share my sorrows with, even when my sister came around; she's just a mere baby then but a bundle of joy anyway. She definitely did not take the path that I did. Thankfully. I loved my childhood but at the same time, I hate it. So much drama. I thought secondary school would be riddled with intense drama but it's just mundane like now. I'm now stuck in yet another constricted box that I can't seem to escape from. I cry myself to sleep sometimes, thinking about things that I regret doing or not doing, things that I could have done better. Over-thinking, another fatal weakness of mine.

Maybe next time, I'll face people I've yet to meet with my mature side. And I hope they are strong enough to take it.




I run from reality because I know I'll always be within its grasp.