I admire your strength; strength that I can never have

Everyone around me is stronger than I am, much smarter than I am, everything better than this pathetic excuse of a human being I am. Sometimes, I can't catch up with them and I fear that I'd become a burden to them, a dead weight dragging people down to the depths of hell. I'm a loner at heart. I don't mind being alone, I do not crave for social contact…but when I receive even a tiny flicker of it, I begin to long for it. A drug that you want to wash away from the blood in your veins. I do not put myself high up on an imaginary pedestal, thinking that I'm much better than people out there. Instead, I let myself live at the lowest level possible, wanting noting much from this life. I gave up on expectations a long time ago. Sometimes, I do get surprised but these surprises are just instances that would never happen again. I still fear judgement and labels. I fear the memories of people. 

I'm not worthy of the more than half the friends that I have. 

Or any at all.