The exceptional liar

Sometimes, I don't wanna lie anymore. I keep putting up this image of me that I expect people to believe and well, for my whole life, people believed me. No, they're not stupid or anything just that I'm quite an exceptional liar. My tricks and lies date back to well, the moment I got in touch with the outside world; the moment I met other people besides my family. My life is tied by so many people and things that I barely have control over my own self.

I shall stop here. Before I launch into a long rant about unfairness and such.



Goodbye. For now.

I can't see you anymore

I still keep waiting around

Although I don't say it but 

I hate waiting

Checking back to see if you're there

Or somewhere else

But before I loose myself

I have to keep myself chained

So that I would not suffocate you with my existence 

Maybe it's time to let the strings go

Turn away and don't look back

I don't know about most people but I know that I've yet to have a set goal in life. Friends around me have some sort of goal or dream to fulfill and they are actually doing things to get there…whereas me, I'm just loafing around and wasting my time and parents money doing nonsense without a goal in mind. Why am I so useless and lazy? I hate me. I want to stay committed to something that I have interest in but I have no such attention span. Seriously, talk about commitment issues.

I got a whiff somewhere that artist on DA who does commissions earn about US$1500 a month for 10-15 commissions. Maybe I can refine my drawing/colouring skills to that standard and earn dough by doing something that I like.

I really don't know what I'm doing with my life. Worse come to worse I can always find some boring desk job but still earn lots of cash for me to feed my hobbies.

I can't think myself as a scriptwriter. I'm getting sick of it. Help…somebody, anybody. The only thing that I don't mind now in this course is the video elements of it. The rest makes me wanna bang my head against the wall and die.





Turn back the clock and let that lorry, which I dodged, hit me and may I die a fast and painless death.



Suicidal tendencies.

Greater happiness

Usually when things go wrong a normal person would try and cover their asses. Not for me though. I'd take the blame.

That day in class we were ask to write a principle that we stand by and I wrote: Treat others the way you want them to treat you. I would give up my happiness for the sake of others and hopefully in turn they would do the same.

And when my lecturer flashed it on the screen (names canceled out for anonymity) he laughed. And quite a few others laughed like it is impossible or a joke of some sort. At that moment, I felt stupid, angry…a miasma of feelings surged though me. I really do try and make people happy even if I'm unhappy inside. I don't want people to hate me or have any negative feelings about me. I just want them to feel comfy around me and not have their guards up whenever I'm there. I'd rather be the unhappy one than let others be unhappy. I find myself stupid, giving people what they want at the cost of my very own feelings. But I can't start afresh anymore. I might be bi-polar but I certainly do not want the whole world to know about it. A lot of people put their friends and family before everything, well that's okay. Or even better putting themselves before everything.

Well, I don't. I put everyone (regardless of the relationship that we share) before me. And if you ask me to save two people (one of which has some sort of relation to me and the other a total stranger) who are drowning or in some dire state that may cause death, I would save the one with a higher possibility of survival or the one who is nearest to me first but I would save both even if it costs me an arm or a leg.

Stop judging and pointing out to me what's impossible and what's not. I know my own limits so much better than you do.






Even if I know it's impossible, I can still hang on to that spark of hope that it is possible.



And in turn for making people happy, I no longer retain my individuality because I agree to do stuff that others are happy with…but not me.

I want to stay classy but…FUCK THIS

I'm screwed for the written CAs. Totally. Fuck philosophy essay. Fuck CP, whatever the hell it stands for. Gah. I just want to shoot and edit videos! I shall not lie anymore. Next time they ask what I want to be I'll tell them. I want to be a director/editor. Fuck scripts and all. I'll be better off opening some shop selling stuff toys than writing scripts to my next meal.




And now you send CA2 to fuck with me all over again.



I. Hate. My. Life.

I admire your strength; strength that I can never have

Everyone around me is stronger than I am, much smarter than I am, everything better than this pathetic excuse of a human being I am. Sometimes, I can't catch up with them and I fear that I'd become a burden to them, a dead weight dragging people down to the depths of hell. I'm a loner at heart. I don't mind being alone, I do not crave for social contact…but when I receive even a tiny flicker of it, I begin to long for it. A drug that you want to wash away from the blood in your veins. I do not put myself high up on an imaginary pedestal, thinking that I'm much better than people out there. Instead, I let myself live at the lowest level possible, wanting noting much from this life. I gave up on expectations a long time ago. Sometimes, I do get surprised but these surprises are just instances that would never happen again. I still fear judgement and labels. I fear the memories of people. 

I'm not worthy of the more than half the friends that I have. 

Or any at all. 

I'm a ninja

I know I'm supposed to be slogging for philosophy right now but I really really don't want to think about penal code 377A or sodomy anymore. So, I went on tumblr posted a few stuff and finally landed on facebook. Surprise! While lurking I caught sight of my former teacher's post blah blah and I went to catch up on her blog. So scanning through and after like 2359842735 links I got to a post which was of her celebrating with my class of 2E1 (it's not even the whole class, a selective few, if you know what I mean) before she resigned from her job as a secondary school teacher. Nope, I'm not upset at the fact that I'm not there or anything for the matter; I'd be totally out of place. But one thing that caught my eye was the present that they got for her was a puzzle piece picture of my whole class...the whole class except me. Yeah, they just had to use that particular picture that doesn't include me. And it's not the first time things like this happened. Its like I'm meant to be forgotten. Seriously! I know I don't attend most events but at least find a picture that has the whole entire class down to the elusive me.



Oh I don't have to learn the art of being a ninja, I'm a born natural.







I'm just like Mia Thermopolis from Princess Diaries without the princess part. At least I don't suck at algebra.